I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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