She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
