i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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