I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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