So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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