your parents love me but you hate me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
