He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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