sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
