Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
