We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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