remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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