I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
