i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
