I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
