My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
