dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
