I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
