i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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