new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
