3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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