so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
