Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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