So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
