As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
