This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
