There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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