Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
