I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
