I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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