I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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