I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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