I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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