nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
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you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
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Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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