i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
