I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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