I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
