You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
