If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
