Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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