Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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