dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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