you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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