Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
