Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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