I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
