So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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