You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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