Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
