Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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