Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
