Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
