Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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