Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
