It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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