It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
