i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
