Where is the hickey?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
