So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
