so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
