yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Randomize
