i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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